How to clean a car- Mum style.


The busy mums guide to cleaning a car.

So first you turn on the car and the music.
Music is a must have.
And pour yourself a glass of wine the size of you face.
Wine is a must have.

Then you empty the car.
Don’t be discouraged by the twenty two half empty water battles, the 17 french fries, the five odd socks and 3 matchbox cars.
You’ll get there.

Throw all of it in the bin.
Well not all of it ,I’m not a complete monster!
Put the bottles in the recycling bin.
Or else you’ll make the vegans angry.
Well; more angry. (Totally kidding vegans😬) (I’m totally not kidding).


And then you empty the prams.
Well fuck Me.
They used to be clean and new but now there unrecognizable as they fall out of your car covered in musleigh bar crust and apple juice.
And milk; even though you can’t remember the last time your child had milk.

Remember when you got your beautiful new pram; and you sold your kidney to have the one you wanted.
And you were all like ; “ my children will not even sit in this pram”
Remember that moment; Savor that moment and then let it go.

Contemplate cleaning car seats and brush them off.
Pour second large glass of wine.
Things are looking better Aren’t they?
It’s definitely not because your a little drunk!? (It’s totally because your a little drunk)
Who cares. It’s better.

Check the pockets in the car.
Decided that the user manual, some old mints and glasses you’ll never wear again sometimes come in handy and leave them just as they were.
The mints are just a little melty their still good.

Definitely keep the three screws that are always there but you don’t know what they go into. Because you know the second you throw them out.
You’ll work out what they’re for.

Move aside some old jumpers that need washed (or burned) and find a pack of baby wipes.
JACKPOT; you’ve struck car cleaning gold.
Whip one out; wipe the shit out of stuff.
Nothing is safe.
Your wiping dashboards and mirrors and
You think you can get a three year old stain out of the carpet.
Because your a super human.
Or your a half drunk Mum with a baby wipe and some gusto; same fucking thing.

Put the baby wipe in the bin.
Look at the car seats.
Reminisce about the fact that your children are getting old and time is moving on.
Then see some food that they’ve shoved behind a chair or under a seat and thank fuck they are not with your right now.
Although you live and breathe your children they really are the most precious little; infuriating, disgusting cesspools.

Pour third and final glass of wine.
Give you husband puppy dog eyes and say that your cleaning the car for the sake of the family and need more wine.
Husband looks around you; sees all the shit on the lawn and everything back where you left it.
The car looking pretty much the same as when you started.
Then back to you.
If he knows what’s good for him he’ll say:
“Okay seems legit; be right back”.
Good man.

Put everything back in the car.
Slightly neater than before.
Hang a tree on your mirror.
That claims to smell of vanilla; if vanilla was poisonous and made of acid :/.
Wait for it too rain.

You did it.
You just cleaned your car like a busy mum.
And had fun while doing it.

Now excuse me while I clean our boat
Ummm. Apparently we don’t have a boat but the neighbors do and I have a whole other bottle of wine left over.

And apparently that’s trespassing but that’s a story for another day.






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